Recovery Gave Me A Father
For the first 22 years of my life here is what I knew: my mom and dad were in love, were very young, and he left before I was born. Growing up, had one dreadful experience with my father and family, and remember telling myself to move on from the idea of ever having a relationship with him - the person I owed half my DNA to.
I am what you would describe as resilient, and family is so important to me. Beside my mom, I have a brother and a little sister, as well as grandparents, all who loved me and gave me fulfillment. Mostly. I did always, in the back of my head, even though I was grateful for all the love and people surrounding me, wonder why my “biological” father did not want to be a part of my life.
I worked very hard in school and as a first-generation college student I was granted the great gift of a full ride scholarship – tuition, books and professional mentorship. I flourished in college, graduated early, and have worked through 3 years in finance. Along the way, I met my husband. As my husband and I started building our life together, the thought of knowing my father remained in the back of my mind. With this hole in my heart, I was worried I could not be the best wife or mother I could be.
Randomly, relatives of my father let me know my father had found his way back to them. I took a leap of faith and visited him, knowing this could be the start of the relationship I always dreamt of. Since my father remained a mystery to so many for countless years, we did not know my father had been struggling with severe addiction with hard drugs for at least 10 years. When we talked and met again it was a miracle. He had worked hard and realized recovery was his next chapter in life.
It has been all so shocking to me – and such a relief – to realize it was not ME he did not want. He was preoccupied with alcohol and drugs. We began to develop our relationship by talking on the phone often, and he even attended my wedding. I now have a picture of my mother, him and I. I never thought these things would happen ever in my lifetime. There are some great gifts getting to know my dad as he is today – sober and in recovery. I am learning about some of his experiences the last 22 years - the good and bad. His personality, and sobriety, allow him to be an “open book”, which allows me to gain a deeper understanding of who he is. Most of the time, his walk in recovery is positive, and it brings me so much encouragement knowing he’s faced a lot of tough situations (even if they were self-inflicted) and knowing he made it
out of those rocky spots. I am able to experience his fatherly love and feel its purity as he’s sober and stable with no ulterior motives. It truly is a relationship I WANT to keep growing.
I know we still have work to do in building our newly found relationship. There are times I don’t always know when I am asking too many questions. If it was up to me, I would like him to tell me about every single season of his life. But I don’t want to trigger bad memories. There are times he experiences low moments in his sobriety, where I feel a bit of a drawback within our relationship. I try not to take that personally but it is tough– since I lived without him for so many years. I want to be his support, but sometimes I am not sure I have the right tools and methods. Sometimes I feel I may not even be the support he really needs as he and I still feel like strangers. Nonetheless, I am truly so grateful to have a relationship to work on!
Today, I am about to have my husband and I’s first child. There is no greater blessing for this baby than he will know his grandfather. Sobriety and recovery gave me the chance to have a father. How this goes is up to him, but I will never have to question his absence during my childhood again. I have the opportunity to show him love and hope he continues to share his walk with me.